I know, I just sent out an update, what more could I have to
say? Well, it’s really easy to share
with you the great things that have been going on and skip on by the struggles I
have, but a little over a week ago God put it on my heart to share what I’ve
been going through. I’d like to say it’s
just that I miss my friends, or that I could blame our financial situation on
it, but it’s more than that. For about a
year, I’ve been struggling with depression.
It would come on in small doses mostly and the good was outweighing the
bad so much I really just passed it off as that we have had a lot of changes
happen and I just needed to adjust. I
mean, our life has been anything but normal over the last year! That being said, I didn’t realize how bad it
had gotten, but looking back I can see that the summer did me in. The negative thoughts began to outweigh the
positive thoughts. I know this may
prompt many to give unending bouts of advice, but a long list of “should do’s”
and “I would’s” can really be more overwhelming than helpful. Still I risk that kind of response to share,
knowing God can use the mess in my life as much as he can use the good.
With great power comes great responsibility and I was
beginning to cave under the pressure. It
didn’t even take me very long. Then the
disappointment in myself made it even harder to stand back up and before I knew
it, I had fallen into a place of despair.
I knew what was happening and yet, couldn’t stop it. It’s brutal for me to open up about this,
sharing something this personal leaves me feeling very vulnerable.
It’s no surprise to me how much God has used the story of
Exodus to show me my tendency to do the very same thing the Israelites did in
their time in the wilderness. I have
spent the last 9 months in a pattern of moving forward into unchartered territories
only to drop anchor when I get scared and idle in the waters until I feel I
have the courage to begin moving again.
And yes, as I idle, I complain and cry that this just isn’t what I had
expected and I’m too scared to budge.
Being off track with where God wants me is not a place I like to
be. So over the last couple months as I
floundered in my idle boat, whining and crying about my circumstances, I was
grasping onto whatever I could. I knew
my “feelings” we false and that I just needed to keep praying, God was
listening, the Holy Spirit is still with me, even if I feel like I’m anchored
down, distracted by whatever the waves bring by. Deeply ingrained in me is my desire to trust
God. I can’t explain it, but, even at
points that I mentally said “This Christian thing must not be for me, it’s
obviously too hard”, I would know right away that that was a lie. Where else would I go? What then would I do? In the wilderness, the Jews gave up their
freedom to worship God and began to give their hearts back to Egypt. God has rescued me from my old life, yet when
what lies ahead is unclear, I begin to think that what I had before was at
least familiar. So I begin making my
golden calf, running my life myself, not trusting that what lies ahead is truly
best for me. It’s not that I’m unhappy
with the path God has had me on, in fact I've had much joy over the things He’s
done in my life. The past year has been
one of the best years of my life! Being Florida, serving at the East Bay
campus, and interning with the Care Team are all great! I just fell into a place where I was unable
to see the victories happening all around me.
My hopelessness and fears were coming out in conversations
with a friend, who advised me to read a book called Battlefield of the
Mind. In this book, Joyce Meyer
describes certain mentalities that we can fall into and the temptations to think
and speak out of those negative places in our lives. I knew that’s what I had been doing, telling
my friend about how scared I was for the future and explaining to her that I
was taking things one day at a time, just trying to keep my head above
water. I was giving the enemy a foothold
in my life and living in bondage to my fear.
It had taken me a few days to pick up the book to begin with, but after
I pulled it together enough to pick up the book I read most of the first part
of the book in one day. The next day I
kept reading and then continued to read a little every day. By the end of my second week with the book I
was feeling much stronger and began praying that God would redeem me from the
sin of not trusting him. As I spent time
praying through and reading this book, God began to reveal to me specific ways
I could start living with hope and trust in Him again. I was asking God, how I could have let this
happen, I’m one of the happiest people I know, how is it possible that I could
be depressed? I hadn’t been handling
stress and at times I was even mad at myself for reacting to things in such a
childish way. I felt that all my
biblical knowledge and faith were being trampled on and despite the fact that I
knew it was uncharacteristic of me; I couldn’t see a way out. God gave me a vision of myself trapped in a
cage, locked down and screaming that I wanted out. I could see me in the cage, desperate for
help out but as I looked down at myself in the cage, I (the me outside of the
cage) kind of laughed at me (in the cage), like a child, I nonchalantly said, “why
don’t you just get out” but completely avoided any attempts to help. I was a little rattled, even bothered by the
vision I had but knew God was showing me that I was living in bondage; the adversary
had put me in the cage but really had no power to keep me there. Within a day of God giving me that vision, I
saw how to get out. Still reading the
book, I began to pray about the specific things each chapter talked about, confessing
to God that I was in fact guilty of that negative thinking Joyce was talking about. And then I was given another vision of me
bursting out of the cage! Even now as I remember it, I am filled with gratitude
that God loved me so much, he busted me out!
I saw clearly a prideful reaction I had had to a challenge I was facing,
but as my heart softened toward the other person involved, I prayed for
redemption for them and repented of my anger toward that person. In that moment I was so thankful for the conviction
and the freedom that came along with it, that I was hungry for more. No, God didn’t flood me with a list of all
the wrong things I had done all at once, but He did give me a subtle reminder
that His Grace is enough and helped me to see that in the same way that I
struggle, so do others. We are each in
our own Journey to the Promised Land, no two people alike, yet all in the same wilderness,
doing our best to make it through.
During this time I also began actively fighting the
depression by praying every day before I get out of bed, committing my day to
Him and then doing a few things right away in the morning that I know help me
have a better day, like making the bed (something my Aunt taught me when I was
younger, she always said it’s proven to make you have a better day). I think Steve is trying to take that job from
me though as he’s been making the bed in the mornings before I have a chance to
(haha, guess he wants to have a good day too).
I also started going for a bike ride while Allie is at school and while
I’m out, instead of looking down at the ground, I keep my head up and take in
the beauty that surrounds me. Making
bible reading and devotional time a top priority in my day has helped as
well. I take full advantage of the quiet
in the house while Allie is gone and most days I do all of the above and have
the house clean before it’s time to go get her from school, which gives me a
sense of accomplishment and leaves me feeling ready to tackle the days
challenges. I’m trying to stop the
patterns I had before and put in place better habits and a positive
routine. It’s making a huge difference,
not that I don’t still have my moments as we all do, but I am seeing more good
days than bad again.
And let us
not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give
up (or do not faint) (Gal 6:9)
