Parenting failures and bad dreams.

Since starting the Love Dare for Parents, there's no doubt it has stirred up a lot of emotions in me and caused me to really evaluate my involvement in Jordan's life as a parent.  I've struggled with my choices throughout the years and always wondered if I've really done what is best for him.  I know I could have done things differently, but would it have been for the best.  I will never know how things would have been different had I not made the decisions I made.  What if I hadn't gotten into that fight with my dad that day?  What if I wouldn't have left him?  What if I would have went back and changed my attitude and my behavior to be a better mom?  All the "what if" questions will never have an answer.  My whole life, I may battle the one side of me that wishes it had been different and the side of me that is thankful for the way it has gone.  Is it possible to have 2 completely opposing thoughts at the same exact time, and feel both are right?  In most cases, I'd say "no", but to this I know it is true.  I feel it all the time.

I questioned seriously whether I would share this dream that I had with everyone.  It feels like the deepest part of me is exposed in this whole thing, but to share this feels even more intimate.  My friend says she never remembers her dreams.  I don't know how that is possible.  I tend to have very vivid dreams, nightly.  I can almost always remember them in detail.  Most of the time they are silly, just random, weird experiences with no explanation.  I often dream that I'm running from something or someone.  I guess this is a common dream for many people.  I don't often have nightmares, probably because I don't expose myself to anything that would really scare me (purposefully).  However, I still have dreams I don't particularly like.  This one was one of those.

In this dream I walk into work and head to my desk to set my stuff down.  Then I walk into another office and talk with a coworker, who asks me how the Love Dare for Parents is going.  I can't remember my response, but as I walk out of his office I see Jordan sitting at a desk in the next office behind his laptop.  He's typing something and I can see it for a minute, that it's him typing an email to me, just then he blurts out something that I can't remember now, but I realized he was answering a question I had asked him that he never responded to.  I'm confused about his approach and why he's sitting at a desk here and ask him "what"?  He says to me "you asked me a question, I'm answering your question".  He looks happy and energetic, but I'm just confused about why he's there.  I think I took him to look and see if my mom is with him, maybe she's out in the car or in another area in the building.  Next thing I remember is him and I walking back down the hall toward the office we came out of, he's behind me and still energetic and happy he stops walking, turns toward the wall and tries to hang his laptop on the wall.  It falls to the ground (since laptops don't hang on the wall like a photo) and he just stares at it for a minute and then sits down and starts to cry.  I ask him "Jordan, what's wrong"?  He tells me that grandma and grandpa don't love him anymore. He's so upset, in a way that is so unlike him.  I stare for a minute and then sit down next to him and ask why he thinks that.  He answers that grandma and grandpa don't love him anymore because they forgot to pick him up from school.
Ok side-note: my mom recently told me about a time when she was late picking him up for school and his perspective was that it happens all the time and he was a little upset about it.  My mom and I both felt so terrible that he would think she just forgot.
So in my dream I say to him "Jordan, that's not true, Grandma and Grandpa love you very much.  The didn't forget about you, something must have happened to make them late".  He explains to me that when they didn't show up he just came to my work since Grandma and Grandpa don't love him anymore.  I know he feels unwanted and unloved and I just sit next to him and stare at him for a minute pretty much in shock still. Then I lean in toward him and ask him "Jordan, when I don't talk to you for a while, is that how you feel about me"?  His answer: "yes".  In the dream I start to choke back tears, it gets harder and harder not to start crying until I woke myself up gasping for air because I held my breath too long.
I have never in my life woke myself up like that.  So many things about that dream was upsetting to me.  I can't help but feel the intensity to make things right with him.  Try harder.  Not give up.  He may not have those exact feelings, he may not express himself in the way the Jordan in my dream did, but I still need to face this challenge head on and keep moving forward.  Progress.  It's worth it.