Day 15. Love is from God.
Let us love one another, because love is from God. (1 John 4:7)
I heard a sermon from Pastor Matt Chandler a while ago and he said something that has always stuck with me. I relayed the message to both my husband and to Allie and have had it in my mind that when the time is right, I will share it with Jordan as well. In the sermon he said that it occurred to him that his young daughter may not fully grasp what it means when he tells her he loves her. As parents, we tell our kids all the time we love them, but do they really know why we love them, or what it even means. Young kids may relate love to performance. He decided to ask his young daughter if she knows why daddy loves her. She couldn't really answer the question. So he explained to her that the reason he loves her is because God gave her to him, to their family and that he loves her because God put her in his life. It struck me because, just like anything else in our lives, if we look at it as if God has placed it in our lives and we trust him with that, our feelings toward that person or thing have a constant firm foundation. My love for you never changes, because God's love for me never changes. It was profound and simple all at the same time.
"Because our parental love is limited by our human capacity and polluted by our sinfulness, the key to loving our children unconditionally with agape love is not to try harder, but to tap into it's pure and perfect source."
I took it a step further and considered how that applies to my marriage. I don't love my husband because he's a good husband or because he's nice to me, works hard, and good looking. I choose to love him because I acknowledge that God placed him in my life as my partner to grow old together, walk this earth together, worship together and raise our children together. Then I explained this all to Allie. She didn't fully get it, but she smiled a big smile and hugged me. We've given her one of the greatest gifts a child can have, security. With Jordan it's a bit different. It is true that I love him and see him as God's gift to our family. I love him because God gave him to us. I'm just not sure he will understand how I can feel that way but have left him. I can only hope that the day will come when I can explain to him how different my life was when I first had him. That I relied solely on my own wisdom to get through life. Without God's help, I lacked the wisdom needed to get through such a hard time in my life. I didn't know that God had given him to me and I didn't know how to love him the way a parent is supposed to. My parents could, and they did it and I knew he was better loved by them. After God got a hold of my life, He helped me to begin to see Jordan the way He had intended and my love for him has grown over the years. This is so complex and difficult to express even in writing. In the way that I express myself the best, I still can't put it into words. How will I ever explain this to him in words when I can't even describe this way. I have no idea, but I do know that when the time comes, God will lead and I will be able to face him and in the end it will be God who gets the glory. It's not about me, it's not about Jordan. All of it would be meaningless if I could not give God credit for how my heart has changed.
To get back to the book. I have put the book down for a couple weeks. It's so hard to do this. As patient as I am with Jordan and his challenges, it's still hurts to have many unanswered text messages. One word answers to text messages or on the phone. Again, without God I would have thrown this book away on day 3. Even though it's taking me a long time to get through it, I can count it as a victory every time I pick it up again. I won't feel bad that I put the book down for a couple weeks, because at least I picked it back up.
Today's dare, to pray with your child and tell them that they can always call on God. Remind them that God is love. I didn't pray with Jordan. I'm not sure how he would respond to that, but again sent him a text (this time through Skype since my mom suggested he might be more likely to respond that way). I told him that I love him and that God loves him. He text back saying "you too". I'm thankful for any response I get at this point, so maybe the Skype thing will work better than texting his phone. I also decided to try and make more of an effort to call him on a schedule. He's prone to being more uncomfortable when he's caught off guard, so it's worth trying. Maybe if he knows I'm going to call him every Sunday afternoon, it'll help him be more comfortable talking to me. The trick here is for me to not be disappointed if it doesn't work.
I could use an extra dose of prayers for the love dare challenge. I know this is important and God put it on my heart for a reason, so I don't want to give up, I truly don't.
"Every day, with each new dare, always bear in mind this one pervasive, reorienting truth: you are handling a divine opportunity to experience and represent the love of God. Our children are not playthings to be merely photographed or conveniences to make our lives complete. They are not barriers to our freedom or monuments to our greatness. They may please us and make us proud. They may fail us and disappoint us. But our children are ultimately not about us. They are about the One who gave them to us and about the love He has for them."
Lord, I thank you again for giving me the gift of motherhood. I thank you that you continually forgive me for messing it up. I ask that you help Jordan to know that he is loved by you and that he will know that he can call on you. I also pray that I will be able to channel Your love to Jordan. I ask that you help me to have boldness where it is needed and patience where it is needed. Give me strength to persevere through the challenges with the Love Dare and see the situation through your eyes. In Jesus name.
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