Parenting dare 1.

Day 1.  Love blooms.  

.... you being rooted and grounded in love... (Ephesians 3:17)

The book mentions that that expressing love to your child is something that they need and to express love to your child is like breath for their lungs.  How have I failed at this with Jordan over the years?  I'm not sure I've done a very good job at that.  If simply saying "I love you" isn't the best way to communicate love to him, then he may be left feeling breathless.  

I'll start by answering some of the questions in the book's reading portion as best I can. 

   1. How loving and fertile is the soil in our home?

                Very loving, but he does not live in my home.

   2. How much love do my children sense from me each day?

                 Unfortunately, I do not speak to Jordan every day.  It's maybe once a week that I talk to him or                    text him, but even so, I'm not sure how he feels.  

   3. Do the truths I share take root?  Or are they ignored?  

                 I cannot think of a time I spoke to Jordan on this level.  

   4. What toxins or weeds need to be eliminated?

                 My absence from his life.  He may have many questions he's not sure how to ask, or anger he's                      not sure how to express.  I want to work with him to get to a place that he can at least                                 communicate those things.  He may never be able to communicate like other kids, but on his level                 - whatever that looks like, for him to express himself.  If that never happens.  I just hope to have                   peace that he knows I love him greatly.  

"Pain and misunderstanding become silent weeds that can choke out what you're trying to communicate.  Even when you speak clearly, your wise words may fall on toxic soil". 

It's my greatest goal to make sure there is no toxic soil in our relationship.  Here's something I forgot to mention about Jordan in yesterday's post that may help you understand Jordan a little better.  To many people he seems like a normal kid.  Maybe a littler hyperactive at times and he was diagnosed as ADHD.  However soon after his diagnosis my mom and I both began to question the accuracy of that diagnosis.  After much research we began to feel that he had more of the characteristics of a child with Aspergers Syndrome, rather than ADHD.  When my mom took her concerns to the Doctor, he explained that ADHD, Aspergers and Autism are on a scale, Jordan doesn't quite "score" right to be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, but he does in face exhibit some of those same characteristics you'd see with many kids diagnosed with Aspergers, such as: Obsessive interest in one subject; changes in routine cause him distress; uncomfortable with most social interactions; aversion to physical touch (hugging, cuddling, ect); avoids eye contact.  Sometimes things are harder for him than for other kids, but he's not broken and it's not "wrong".  Because of these things, it's difficult for him to express love, or receive love as other kids do.  It's also why I don't have unrealistic expectations on him to be responsive to me when I hug him or tell him I love him.  

So back to the love dare challenge. I completed the reading for the day and the dare for the day was to tell your child that you love them.  Well, yesterday while I was doing facetime with my mom, I had a minute with Jordan and I did tell him I love him then, but later in the day when I saw a picture of Jordan and I at Lagoon before I moved I shared it on facebook saying how much I love him and miss him.  So instead of calling to tell him I love him, I text him with that picture and just said I remembered how much fun we had that day and that I miss him and love him a whole lot.  It's rare that he replies to my text messages at all, but I was astounded when he replied fairly quickly and said "you too".  It's funny because that response so exceeded my expectations that I teared up.  I'm pretty sure this is the first time he's said that.  I'm looking forward to the second dare and seeing where this goes! 

My prayer for Jordan today is this.  Lord, thank you for blessing me with Jordan and creating him exactly the way you have.  Thank you for your redemptive love on both of us and for giving my parents and I unity within Jordan's living arrangements and our relationship.  I'm so thankful for them and the care they provide Jordan.  I know you've led us all to this point and I thank you in advance for the healing you'll do in all our hearts through this process.  Jordan is yours first Lord, and I am so grateful that you helped me learn that and trust you with him before we moved so far away from him.  I pray for him today, that you'll bless him and help him to see that I genuinely love him and care for him. Give me the strength to continue the love dares are to be patient with his process.  Give me grace when I fail and strength when I want to give up.  In Jesus name.  

Thank you all for your prayers of support and your encouragement along the way.  

Love Dare for this mom.

Two years ago when we moved from Utah to Florida, I knew one of the biggest sacrifices I would face was leaving my son, who has lives with my parents.

I was able to see him May, 2013 when I traveled to Colorado for my grandmother's funeral and it was nice to have him sit next to me on the couch, watch him play video games and play his flute, but it was a very short visit and it's been our only interaction (except via facetime) since the move.  Recently, it's really struck me that phone calls, facetime and text messages are not cutting it.  This is such a challenging situation, not only because of the distance but because I'm so absent.  Today's sermon really hit home as the pastor mentioned the many kids that are being raised by their grandparents or by single mothers.  I could never be more grateful for the situation Jordan is in, and how well he is cared for, but there will always be this in his life that I'm not sure he'll ever fully be able to understand.  I fully believe that each person has their own story in life, they walk their own path and their journey is what becomes their testimony.  This includes Jordan and it is how I was able to give the situation to God many years ago and trust that whatever my absence does in Jordan's life, that God will use it for His own Glory.
Just before Christmas I found the book The Love Dare For Parents.  I picked it up hoping to look through it and get some ideas for how to better connect with Jordan.  I may not be able to change the past, but I also don't want to sit by and watch the distance turn into a deep wound in his heart, when I know I can do better.  I've noticed as he gets a little older, he is more reluctant to say "hello" to me on facetime, he has to be reminded more often to text me back when I text him, and he's very disinterested in a relationship with me.  It's sad to say that I've not heard Jordan say "I love you" since he was probably 3 years old, and back then he'd say "I love you" to anyone.  I continue to tell him "I love you" and never expect anything but "ok" in response because it's not about me, it's about him; making sure he knows I do love him.  But what if saying it isn't enough.  I mean, with Allie even, saying it isn't enough.  No kid will know you love them just because you say it.  All kids feel loved in different ways.  I've been able to find some ways that work with Jordan, but I'm feeling like it's time to get purposeful about it.
I'm going to take on the challenge of the Love Dare For Parents and try my best to get through the 40 dares, even with the distance being a factor.  I'm not looking at it as 40 days because that may just not work, but as 40 individual opportunities to reach out to him and show him love in different ways.
Two things in the book that make me feel encouraged this could work:
1. The preface of the book mentions a few common questions, 1 of which is "What if I am currently separated from my children?"  The answer basically says to get creative or turn some of the dares into prayers.  Another questions is "What if my children do not respond well to this experience?"  (I do not expect Jordan to respond at all).  The answer on that one points out that this is about learning to love your child better, "If there are years of pain and emotional damage between you, it will take greater nourishment and healing.  Be patient, think long-term, and never underestimate the power of unconditional love."  I'm definitely going to need all of your prayers to get me through this, but I really want to take the responsibility and accept this challenge.
2.  This is something God has been laying on my heart for months now.  I won't lie, I'm a little scared.  I have worries and doubts and  I know it'll be very weird for him.  It's time to just jump in and I know with God, this is possible!
So the reason I'm sharing this with all of you is simple. I love to write.  And I love it even more when my writing can inspire others.  A sweet friend of mine pointed out that others may be in a similar situation and we can all come together this way and support one another.  So I'll be tagging my posts "long distance parenting", "love dare for parents" and "christian parenting" and hopefully those that are wondering what they can do to get closer to their far away child, this can be helpful to them.  So I'll try to keep posting as we go along, mostly focusing on what I'm learning in the process, but if there are any praise reports, you can be sure I'll share that as well.
Thank you friends!