.... you being rooted and grounded in love... (Ephesians 3:17)
The book mentions that that expressing love to your child is something that they need and to express love to your child is like breath for their lungs. How have I failed at this with Jordan over the years? I'm not sure I've done a very good job at that. If simply saying "I love you" isn't the best way to communicate love to him, then he may be left feeling breathless.
I'll start by answering some of the questions in the book's reading portion as best I can.
1. How loving and fertile is the soil in our home?
Very loving, but he does not live in my home.
2. How much love do my children sense from me each day?
Unfortunately, I do not speak to Jordan every day. It's maybe once a week that I talk to him or text him, but even so, I'm not sure how he feels.
3. Do the truths I share take root? Or are they ignored?
I cannot think of a time I spoke to Jordan on this level.
4. What toxins or weeds need to be eliminated?
My absence from his life. He may have many questions he's not sure how to ask, or anger he's not sure how to express. I want to work with him to get to a place that he can at least communicate those things. He may never be able to communicate like other kids, but on his level - whatever that looks like, for him to express himself. If that never happens. I just hope to have peace that he knows I love him greatly.
"Pain and misunderstanding become silent weeds that can choke out what you're trying to communicate. Even when you speak clearly, your wise words may fall on toxic soil".
It's my greatest goal to make sure there is no toxic soil in our relationship. Here's something I forgot to mention about Jordan in yesterday's post that may help you understand Jordan a little better. To many people he seems like a normal kid. Maybe a littler hyperactive at times and he was diagnosed as ADHD. However soon after his diagnosis my mom and I both began to question the accuracy of that diagnosis. After much research we began to feel that he had more of the characteristics of a child with Aspergers Syndrome, rather than ADHD. When my mom took her concerns to the Doctor, he explained that ADHD, Aspergers and Autism are on a scale, Jordan doesn't quite "score" right to be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, but he does in face exhibit some of those same characteristics you'd see with many kids diagnosed with Aspergers, such as: Obsessive interest in one subject; changes in routine cause him distress; uncomfortable with most social interactions; aversion to physical touch (hugging, cuddling, ect); avoids eye contact. Sometimes things are harder for him than for other kids, but he's not broken and it's not "wrong". Because of these things, it's difficult for him to express love, or receive love as other kids do. It's also why I don't have unrealistic expectations on him to be responsive to me when I hug him or tell him I love him.
So back to the love dare challenge. I completed the reading for the day and the dare for the day was to tell your child that you love them. Well, yesterday while I was doing facetime with my mom, I had a minute with Jordan and I did tell him I love him then, but later in the day when I saw a picture of Jordan and I at Lagoon before I moved I shared it on facebook saying how much I love him and miss him. So instead of calling to tell him I love him, I text him with that picture and just said I remembered how much fun we had that day and that I miss him and love him a whole lot. It's rare that he replies to my text messages at all, but I was astounded when he replied fairly quickly and said "you too". It's funny because that response so exceeded my expectations that I teared up. I'm pretty sure this is the first time he's said that. I'm looking forward to the second dare and seeing where this goes!
My prayer for Jordan today is this. Lord, thank you for blessing me with Jordan and creating him exactly the way you have. Thank you for your redemptive love on both of us and for giving my parents and I unity within Jordan's living arrangements and our relationship. I'm so thankful for them and the care they provide Jordan. I know you've led us all to this point and I thank you in advance for the healing you'll do in all our hearts through this process. Jordan is yours first Lord, and I am so grateful that you helped me learn that and trust you with him before we moved so far away from him. I pray for him today, that you'll bless him and help him to see that I genuinely love him and care for him. Give me the strength to continue the love dares are to be patient with his process. Give me grace when I fail and strength when I want to give up. In Jesus name.
Thank you all for your prayers of support and your encouragement along the way.
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