Behold, children are a gift of the Lord. (Psalm 127:3)
I missed yesterday so I did day 4 today. As I was reading through the chapter today, I was thinking about how I have a slightly different view of children Collin's death. Before Collin, I did view children as a burden. I even considered having my parents adopt Jordan because I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to be "free", whatever that means. I wanted to live my life all for myself; party every weekend, every day really; not be financially responsible for kids; go away whenever I wanted. Truth be told, I didn't even really want a husband back then either. I just wanted everything to be about me. When I met Steve, I didn't think of anything beyond the "right now" stage. When I got pregnant with Collin, I wasn't upset and I didn't consider abortion or anything, but I still didn't think about long term. After he died, I do remember feeling guilty, asking if God took him from me because I didn't want him bad enough when I first got pregnant. But one thing did change, my perspective on how valuable children are changed forever once we experienced what it's like to have no control over how long we get to keep them and since surrendering our hearts to God. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm far from the most patient and caring mother. I still get frustrated and even take my children for granted, but I never question what a blessing they are to life. There are times when I get tired of being a mom and need a break, I enjoy a vacation now and then. But I still always see my children as a gift from God. Thankful that we've even been given another chance. Before having Allie, I questioned if I was right to be a mother. Would losing my children one way or another be the end of my motherhood? And now as we wait patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) for God to bless us with a 4th child, I know it's all part of his plan. Jordan is part of that too.
"Love reminds us that children are and have always been priceless, desirable, and a unique treasure. They are our walking, living legacies, each of them bearing untapped potential beyond measure."
Even though I have not raised him, it's not because I don't want him or value him. I love him enough to sacrifice what I want for what is best for him. I value him enough to support what my parents do for him instead of pridefully thinking I could do better. He's not just my gift, a trophy to show for my efforts. He's a gift God gave to many of us. That's what I chose to tell him today for the dare. That he is a gift to us and that I'm so glad God let us have him in our lives. I told him how much I love his music and the new Coldplay song he learned on his flute and that I can't wait to hear the next song he learns.
There's only audio, no video but you can tell what song it is, he plays it very well.
Lord, I thank you for Jordan and I ask that you help me value him and appreciate him more. Please continue to grow in him the talent for music that you have given him and help him to desire to glorify you with that talent.
"They are wrapped by divine hands and presented in love. They are the fruit of your life and God's living reward."
Here I am with the children God gave me. (Hebrews 2:13)
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