Day 11. Love teaches.
These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons. (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)
This chapter was all about the values we have the power to instill into our children. I personally love this topic. I'll sit around all day with friends talking about all the things I do with Allie and how I teach her valuable lessons and try to instill in her skills that will shape her and grow her into adulthood. Parenting is something I'm passionate about and want to do right. That does NOT mean I always do everything right. Far from it. I tend to give more advise than I take and there is always plenty to work on. I am far from perfect, but I do love to talk about all the perfect things to do. This is not nearly as much of a struggle with Allie as it is with Jordan. It is always my goal to honor God in my parenting and hope that with his help I can continue to grow in that area.
That is not my role in Jordan's life right now, although I'm sure there are some ways I can work it in and if I get creative there is probably a lot more I can do. My mom will often call me to talk about things they are working on with Jordan and we discuss it. She takes what I say into consideration and often applies what I've suggested. It makes me feel involved and I appreciate that she respects what I have to bring to the table. So I made a list of the things that I think are important to teach my children.
1. Put God 1st in life. (how to pray, what it means to have a relationship with God and who Christ is / salvation.)
2. How to study the bible.
3. Respect for adults.
4. Empathy and serving others.
5. Manners.
6. Sexual purity. (no sex before marriage, honoring his future spouse, praying for future spouse, keeping away from pornography ---- this would include television shows popular in our culture and not exactly defined as pornography and pornography in various other forms)
7. Good work ethic.
8. Money management and budgeting. (this would also include the importance of tithing)
9. Photography.
One day I hope to be able to discuss these kinds of things with him or at the very least pray that he will learn these things. Most of which I already know my mom and dad do make a priority in their parenting.
My prayer for Jordan today.
Lord, thank you for giving us your word as an instruction book to help us learn more about parenting and teaching our children the way you want us to and the ways that they can grow up and know you through our leading and guiding. Thank you for showing me the importance of making Godly parenting a priority. Thank you that I can lean on you for strength. Lord, please help Jordan to soak up what is truth and to grow into an adult that has learned Godly principles and values. I pray that Jordan will follow you his whole life and that he will learn how to study your word and know it as truth. I ask that you will help him respect adults even when he doesn't understand them or agree with them (as long as it wont harm him). Lord, place Jordan in places and situations where he will be able to serve others and that he will learn how to have empathy. I pray for him to always remember the good manners, work ethic and money management skills that my parents are teaching him. Lord, I pray intensely that you will protect my son's purity. That he will one day be married to a Godly woman and be able to say that he prayed for her and that she prayed for him and that God united them. And help me Lord to find opportunities to teach Jordan about photography and that he will be interested in learning about something that I can teach him on a casual level. I lift all this up to you Lord, thank you. In Jesus' name.
"Life has enough traps and valleys as it is. But by letting your love draw out the road maps and point out the bridges today, you prepare your children to thank God for you later when they stand and celebrate on the mountain peaks you taught them how to climb."
Let my teaching drop as the rain, my speech distill as the dew. (Deuteronomy 32:2)
In 2011 when we began praying about moving from Utah to Florida, we never could have imagined the journey God would take us on.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Parenting failures and bad dreams.
Since starting the Love Dare for Parents, there's no doubt it has stirred up a lot of emotions in me and caused me to really evaluate my involvement in Jordan's life as a parent. I've struggled with my choices throughout the years and always wondered if I've really done what is best for him. I know I could have done things differently, but would it have been for the best. I will never know how things would have been different had I not made the decisions I made. What if I hadn't gotten into that fight with my dad that day? What if I wouldn't have left him? What if I would have went back and changed my attitude and my behavior to be a better mom? All the "what if" questions will never have an answer. My whole life, I may battle the one side of me that wishes it had been different and the side of me that is thankful for the way it has gone. Is it possible to have 2 completely opposing thoughts at the same exact time, and feel both are right? In most cases, I'd say "no", but to this I know it is true. I feel it all the time.
I questioned seriously whether I would share this dream that I had with everyone. It feels like the deepest part of me is exposed in this whole thing, but to share this feels even more intimate. My friend says she never remembers her dreams. I don't know how that is possible. I tend to have very vivid dreams, nightly. I can almost always remember them in detail. Most of the time they are silly, just random, weird experiences with no explanation. I often dream that I'm running from something or someone. I guess this is a common dream for many people. I don't often have nightmares, probably because I don't expose myself to anything that would really scare me (purposefully). However, I still have dreams I don't particularly like. This one was one of those.
In this dream I walk into work and head to my desk to set my stuff down. Then I walk into another office and talk with a coworker, who asks me how the Love Dare for Parents is going. I can't remember my response, but as I walk out of his office I see Jordan sitting at a desk in the next office behind his laptop. He's typing something and I can see it for a minute, that it's him typing an email to me, just then he blurts out something that I can't remember now, but I realized he was answering a question I had asked him that he never responded to. I'm confused about his approach and why he's sitting at a desk here and ask him "what"? He says to me "you asked me a question, I'm answering your question". He looks happy and energetic, but I'm just confused about why he's there. I think I took him to look and see if my mom is with him, maybe she's out in the car or in another area in the building. Next thing I remember is him and I walking back down the hall toward the office we came out of, he's behind me and still energetic and happy he stops walking, turns toward the wall and tries to hang his laptop on the wall. It falls to the ground (since laptops don't hang on the wall like a photo) and he just stares at it for a minute and then sits down and starts to cry. I ask him "Jordan, what's wrong"? He tells me that grandma and grandpa don't love him anymore. He's so upset, in a way that is so unlike him. I stare for a minute and then sit down next to him and ask why he thinks that. He answers that grandma and grandpa don't love him anymore because they forgot to pick him up from school.
Ok side-note: my mom recently told me about a time when she was late picking him up for school and his perspective was that it happens all the time and he was a little upset about it. My mom and I both felt so terrible that he would think she just forgot.
So in my dream I say to him "Jordan, that's not true, Grandma and Grandpa love you very much. The didn't forget about you, something must have happened to make them late". He explains to me that when they didn't show up he just came to my work since Grandma and Grandpa don't love him anymore. I know he feels unwanted and unloved and I just sit next to him and stare at him for a minute pretty much in shock still. Then I lean in toward him and ask him "Jordan, when I don't talk to you for a while, is that how you feel about me"? His answer: "yes". In the dream I start to choke back tears, it gets harder and harder not to start crying until I woke myself up gasping for air because I held my breath too long.
I have never in my life woke myself up like that. So many things about that dream was upsetting to me. I can't help but feel the intensity to make things right with him. Try harder. Not give up. He may not have those exact feelings, he may not express himself in the way the Jordan in my dream did, but I still need to face this challenge head on and keep moving forward. Progress. It's worth it.
I questioned seriously whether I would share this dream that I had with everyone. It feels like the deepest part of me is exposed in this whole thing, but to share this feels even more intimate. My friend says she never remembers her dreams. I don't know how that is possible. I tend to have very vivid dreams, nightly. I can almost always remember them in detail. Most of the time they are silly, just random, weird experiences with no explanation. I often dream that I'm running from something or someone. I guess this is a common dream for many people. I don't often have nightmares, probably because I don't expose myself to anything that would really scare me (purposefully). However, I still have dreams I don't particularly like. This one was one of those.
In this dream I walk into work and head to my desk to set my stuff down. Then I walk into another office and talk with a coworker, who asks me how the Love Dare for Parents is going. I can't remember my response, but as I walk out of his office I see Jordan sitting at a desk in the next office behind his laptop. He's typing something and I can see it for a minute, that it's him typing an email to me, just then he blurts out something that I can't remember now, but I realized he was answering a question I had asked him that he never responded to. I'm confused about his approach and why he's sitting at a desk here and ask him "what"? He says to me "you asked me a question, I'm answering your question". He looks happy and energetic, but I'm just confused about why he's there. I think I took him to look and see if my mom is with him, maybe she's out in the car or in another area in the building. Next thing I remember is him and I walking back down the hall toward the office we came out of, he's behind me and still energetic and happy he stops walking, turns toward the wall and tries to hang his laptop on the wall. It falls to the ground (since laptops don't hang on the wall like a photo) and he just stares at it for a minute and then sits down and starts to cry. I ask him "Jordan, what's wrong"? He tells me that grandma and grandpa don't love him anymore. He's so upset, in a way that is so unlike him. I stare for a minute and then sit down next to him and ask why he thinks that. He answers that grandma and grandpa don't love him anymore because they forgot to pick him up from school.
Ok side-note: my mom recently told me about a time when she was late picking him up for school and his perspective was that it happens all the time and he was a little upset about it. My mom and I both felt so terrible that he would think she just forgot.
So in my dream I say to him "Jordan, that's not true, Grandma and Grandpa love you very much. The didn't forget about you, something must have happened to make them late". He explains to me that when they didn't show up he just came to my work since Grandma and Grandpa don't love him anymore. I know he feels unwanted and unloved and I just sit next to him and stare at him for a minute pretty much in shock still. Then I lean in toward him and ask him "Jordan, when I don't talk to you for a while, is that how you feel about me"? His answer: "yes". In the dream I start to choke back tears, it gets harder and harder not to start crying until I woke myself up gasping for air because I held my breath too long.
I have never in my life woke myself up like that. So many things about that dream was upsetting to me. I can't help but feel the intensity to make things right with him. Try harder. Not give up. He may not have those exact feelings, he may not express himself in the way the Jordan in my dream did, but I still need to face this challenge head on and keep moving forward. Progress. It's worth it.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Parenting dare 9.
Day 9. Love Cherishes.
As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you. (Isaiah 66:13)
Well today's chapter was definitely geared toward a more "neurotypical" child. The chapter described the need children have for a hug or affection from their mom and dad. **and dad -- men, don't check out here. Where Allie thrives on this kind of attention (as do most kids), Jordan shutters at the thought of physical affection. As I read "...maybe all it takes to begin to thaw is some warm, tender affection from you, as one called by God to be their mother or their father." Well... I can't do that here or for him. However, the whole point of the chapter was that your children need to know they are cherished by you, and that he is.
The homework was to find a moment to give him a tender tough that will show him that I cherish him. This is just another situation where I need to get creative. The distance is a factor, as well as his aversion to touch (even if I was close by). Earlier I sent him a text, "Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope you are having a good day at school." And saying a prayer for him is a big must.
Lord, please wrap your loving arms around Jordan today in a way that he can receive it. Thank you Lord, that you everything he needs. In Jesus' name.
No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it. (Ephesians 5:29)
As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you. (Isaiah 66:13)
Well today's chapter was definitely geared toward a more "neurotypical" child. The chapter described the need children have for a hug or affection from their mom and dad. **and dad -- men, don't check out here. Where Allie thrives on this kind of attention (as do most kids), Jordan shutters at the thought of physical affection. As I read "...maybe all it takes to begin to thaw is some warm, tender affection from you, as one called by God to be their mother or their father." Well... I can't do that here or for him. However, the whole point of the chapter was that your children need to know they are cherished by you, and that he is.
The homework was to find a moment to give him a tender tough that will show him that I cherish him. This is just another situation where I need to get creative. The distance is a factor, as well as his aversion to touch (even if I was close by). Earlier I sent him a text, "Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope you are having a good day at school." And saying a prayer for him is a big must.
Lord, please wrap your loving arms around Jordan today in a way that he can receive it. Thank you Lord, that you everything he needs. In Jesus' name.
No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it. (Ephesians 5:29)
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Parenting dare 8.
Day 8. Love wins hearts.
He will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. (Malachi 4:6)
As soon as I read the first paragraph from today's love dare chapter, the anxiety set in.
"Whoever has your children's hearts has their ears and significantly influences the direction of their lives. You can be the most spiritual, intelligent parent on the planet, but if you lose your children's hearts, they will likely turn away from you in the long run. Your ultimate effectiveness as a parent greatly depends upon this one key issue."
My parents have Jordan's heart. They are the ones he listens to and yes, I am jealous of that. But more than the jealousy I felt from reading the first half of the paragraph is the fear that comes from reading the second half. "they will turn away from you in the long run.... greatly depends upon this one key issue..." That sounds impossible to fix. How, with all this distance and all this time, can I ever achieve this? I honestly don't know. I don't know what will come of this, but all I can do is keep going. I've slowed down on the pace of reading the chapters because I was a little worried about putting pressure on Jordan. Any pressure I've put on him in the past days would be nothing compared to the pressure he'd feel with Day 8.
Toward the end of the chapter, I was instructed to ask myself the following questions, my answers will follow:
Do I have my children's hearts right now? In regards to Jordan, I do not.
Do they know they have mine? I do not know.
Do they care what I think? I don't know that either, but it feels like the answer is no.
Do they want to spend time with me? I think when he's around me, he enjoys spending time with me, but it doesn't exactly seem like he'd go out of his way to spend time with me.
Are they grieved when I'm displeased? No.
Are they loyal when I'm not watching? I feel like this question doesn't even apply to our situation.
The homework for this week was the hardest to face. On one hand I assumed Jordan wouldn't respond. Which you would think, would make it easier to ask the question. However, just because I figured he wouldn't respond, doesn't mean it wouldn't get him thinking about the answer to the question. I started with one question, thinking if he answered then I would go on to ask the next. 1st question: "Have I hurt you or wronged you in any way?".... .... .... .... .... hours go by and no response. It is not easier to get no response at all.
This all happened yesterday. I hoped for the rest of the day that at some point I would hear something from him. Anything. Well anything except "no", because I think for him to say that would be dishonest. I have another question to ask that I'll text him tonight. Oh, and some of you might be thinking this is a huge cop out for me to be texting him instead of calling him. I assure you, it is not. I would love to be able to have this conversation on the phone but I could literally cause him such discomfort by doing that that it would be very much counter productions. The answer to the question would be "this, right now is what you have done to wrong me." If he could even express it with words. Since to ask the question at all is taking him out of his comfort zone, I'll compromise and text instead of call.
All I can do is pray for him.
Lord, I ask that you will heal Jordan's heart and help him to face these complicated and uncomfortable emotions. Help him to be able to express how he feels and what hurts him. If he cannot express that to me, I just pray that he will be able to go to you with it. I also pray that if ever he does have a response to those tough questions, that you will prepare my heart to hear what he has to say. Help me be accepting of his perspective and take the steps toward healing that I need to take. Thank you Lord for being our healing and our rescue. In Jesus name.
"We can win many battles in life but still lose the war at home if our children withdraw, rebel, and ignore us." My son, if your heart is wise, my own heart also will be glad. (Proverbs 23:15)
He will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. (Malachi 4:6)
As soon as I read the first paragraph from today's love dare chapter, the anxiety set in.
"Whoever has your children's hearts has their ears and significantly influences the direction of their lives. You can be the most spiritual, intelligent parent on the planet, but if you lose your children's hearts, they will likely turn away from you in the long run. Your ultimate effectiveness as a parent greatly depends upon this one key issue."
My parents have Jordan's heart. They are the ones he listens to and yes, I am jealous of that. But more than the jealousy I felt from reading the first half of the paragraph is the fear that comes from reading the second half. "they will turn away from you in the long run.... greatly depends upon this one key issue..." That sounds impossible to fix. How, with all this distance and all this time, can I ever achieve this? I honestly don't know. I don't know what will come of this, but all I can do is keep going. I've slowed down on the pace of reading the chapters because I was a little worried about putting pressure on Jordan. Any pressure I've put on him in the past days would be nothing compared to the pressure he'd feel with Day 8.
Toward the end of the chapter, I was instructed to ask myself the following questions, my answers will follow:
Do I have my children's hearts right now? In regards to Jordan, I do not.
Do they know they have mine? I do not know.
Do they care what I think? I don't know that either, but it feels like the answer is no.
Do they want to spend time with me? I think when he's around me, he enjoys spending time with me, but it doesn't exactly seem like he'd go out of his way to spend time with me.
Are they grieved when I'm displeased? No.
Are they loyal when I'm not watching? I feel like this question doesn't even apply to our situation.
The homework for this week was the hardest to face. On one hand I assumed Jordan wouldn't respond. Which you would think, would make it easier to ask the question. However, just because I figured he wouldn't respond, doesn't mean it wouldn't get him thinking about the answer to the question. I started with one question, thinking if he answered then I would go on to ask the next. 1st question: "Have I hurt you or wronged you in any way?".... .... .... .... .... hours go by and no response. It is not easier to get no response at all.
This all happened yesterday. I hoped for the rest of the day that at some point I would hear something from him. Anything. Well anything except "no", because I think for him to say that would be dishonest. I have another question to ask that I'll text him tonight. Oh, and some of you might be thinking this is a huge cop out for me to be texting him instead of calling him. I assure you, it is not. I would love to be able to have this conversation on the phone but I could literally cause him such discomfort by doing that that it would be very much counter productions. The answer to the question would be "this, right now is what you have done to wrong me." If he could even express it with words. Since to ask the question at all is taking him out of his comfort zone, I'll compromise and text instead of call.
All I can do is pray for him.
Lord, I ask that you will heal Jordan's heart and help him to face these complicated and uncomfortable emotions. Help him to be able to express how he feels and what hurts him. If he cannot express that to me, I just pray that he will be able to go to you with it. I also pray that if ever he does have a response to those tough questions, that you will prepare my heart to hear what he has to say. Help me be accepting of his perspective and take the steps toward healing that I need to take. Thank you Lord for being our healing and our rescue. In Jesus name.
"We can win many battles in life but still lose the war at home if our children withdraw, rebel, and ignore us." My son, if your heart is wise, my own heart also will be glad. (Proverbs 23:15)
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Parenting dare 6.
Day 6. Love is not selfish.
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
Well I'm fairly certain no one is reading this blog since I have yet to get even 1 comment. OH wait....I think I'm supposed to be learning a lesson on selfishness today. I won't lie. Before I sat down to read today's chapter I considered not even blogging about it, what's the point? No one's reading it anyway. Then I open the book and see that word "selfish". It's no surprise to anyone around me that I admit to being selfish. I don't want to be, I'm not excusing myself as to say that I'm allowed to be selfish. It's our human nature. Each and every person struggles with it, and if they say they don't.... well then they're probably saying that out of their selfish need to look perfect or something. I don't know, but I do know I can't think of a single person that doesn't put their needs above others a good portion of the time. The book described it this way: "Moodiness and impatience, laziness and irresponsibility, are only selfishness in disguise... We despise this trait in others but justify it in ourselves. Almost every wrong and sinful action can be traced back to a selfish motive." Isn't that the truth.
I began to think about what ways I put myself first when it comes to Jordan. I mean currently, not like when he was born and I walked out and made no true attempts at bringing him back into my life for many years. What do I do selfishly right now when it comes to him? This is a hard one to hash out. Leaving myself wide open for any *maybe readers made me second guess listing out my faults in a public forum, but I would like to think that it's possible just one person could come across this and be encouraged by what I write. Or at the very least someone out there is going to feel very good about themselves that they are not quite as selfish as I am. I knew right from the first though of selfishness that I am selfish in some ways to even do the Love Dare for Parents. A few of the reasons I chose to do it are all about me: not wanting him to be angry with me; wanting some sort of response from him; wanting him to love me too. It really hit me between the eyes when I read "You can't be acting out of real love and selfishness at the same time. Ouch.
Thankfully today's dare was exactly what I needed more than anything (selfishness indulged). But actually, I fully believe this process would be pointless if it were not for prayer. God is ultimately who changes our hearts. My heart, and Jordan's too. I was instructed to just pray about my selfishness and how it limits my relationship and then dedicate my child to the Lord.
Lord, help me to push aside any desire to do these dares for selfish reasons. I know most of the reasons I have for doing this come down to my own feelings. Wanting more of a response from him, wanting him to love me back, wanting him to not hate me or other things like that. But I also want so badly for him to be healthy (emotionally and spiritually), to not grow a seed of bitterness in his heart and to feel loved not only by me, but by You also. Lord, just help me focus on that most of all, glorifying You through this whole thing.
"We should thank God for granting us the daily opportunity to love our children unselfishly and to grow stronger, wiser, and more Christlike in the process."
I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake. (Colossians 1:24)
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
Well I'm fairly certain no one is reading this blog since I have yet to get even 1 comment. OH wait....I think I'm supposed to be learning a lesson on selfishness today. I won't lie. Before I sat down to read today's chapter I considered not even blogging about it, what's the point? No one's reading it anyway. Then I open the book and see that word "selfish". It's no surprise to anyone around me that I admit to being selfish. I don't want to be, I'm not excusing myself as to say that I'm allowed to be selfish. It's our human nature. Each and every person struggles with it, and if they say they don't.... well then they're probably saying that out of their selfish need to look perfect or something. I don't know, but I do know I can't think of a single person that doesn't put their needs above others a good portion of the time. The book described it this way: "Moodiness and impatience, laziness and irresponsibility, are only selfishness in disguise... We despise this trait in others but justify it in ourselves. Almost every wrong and sinful action can be traced back to a selfish motive." Isn't that the truth.
I began to think about what ways I put myself first when it comes to Jordan. I mean currently, not like when he was born and I walked out and made no true attempts at bringing him back into my life for many years. What do I do selfishly right now when it comes to him? This is a hard one to hash out. Leaving myself wide open for any *maybe readers made me second guess listing out my faults in a public forum, but I would like to think that it's possible just one person could come across this and be encouraged by what I write. Or at the very least someone out there is going to feel very good about themselves that they are not quite as selfish as I am. I knew right from the first though of selfishness that I am selfish in some ways to even do the Love Dare for Parents. A few of the reasons I chose to do it are all about me: not wanting him to be angry with me; wanting some sort of response from him; wanting him to love me too. It really hit me between the eyes when I read "You can't be acting out of real love and selfishness at the same time. Ouch.
Thankfully today's dare was exactly what I needed more than anything (selfishness indulged). But actually, I fully believe this process would be pointless if it were not for prayer. God is ultimately who changes our hearts. My heart, and Jordan's too. I was instructed to just pray about my selfishness and how it limits my relationship and then dedicate my child to the Lord.
Lord, help me to push aside any desire to do these dares for selfish reasons. I know most of the reasons I have for doing this come down to my own feelings. Wanting more of a response from him, wanting him to love me back, wanting him to not hate me or other things like that. But I also want so badly for him to be healthy (emotionally and spiritually), to not grow a seed of bitterness in his heart and to feel loved not only by me, but by You also. Lord, just help me focus on that most of all, glorifying You through this whole thing.
"We should thank God for granting us the daily opportunity to love our children unselfishly and to grow stronger, wiser, and more Christlike in the process."
I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake. (Colossians 1:24)
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Parenting dare 5.
Day 5. Love is wonderful.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it. (Psalm 139:6)
This dare has taken 2 days to pull off. The chapter started off by talking about each child's unique nature and how God makes everyone individually. "God is always intentional as to why He makes each child the way He does. He desires His power, creativity, and image to be uniquely reflected in each living soul." As I read that, I began to question how that pertains to circumstances like aspergers or other things in this world that alter God's perfect design for people before the fall. Is it that God made that child that way, did he specifically give Jordan these quirks? did he forget to attach a diaphragm when he was knitting Collin together in my womb? Or is it that this world is full of sin and all that comes with it, and that is why we face the things in this world that are not a part of God's perfect design. As I continued reading, the book mentions just that concern. "Even in His allowance of unexpected birth defects. His conclusions are kind (John 9:1-3). His strength is often revealed most vividly through human weakness, cultivating deeper character and compassion in their families." I do see that despite the fact that the human condition is less than perfect, God does allow these things in our lives. He allowed Collin's defect as a means for a greater purpose for us, and we not only accept that, but thank Him for it. He allowed Jordan's brain to age with these quirks and ticks and truly, he's still a masterpiece, perfect in God's eyes and mine, despite what people may think about aspergers, ADHD, or any other disorder that makes someone "different". I was reflecting last night about how amazing Jordan truly is because of some of the challenges he has. His obsessive tendencies have made him incredibly smart and talented. He's excelled in music with playing the flute; The challenge of Tae Kwon Do has kept him continually grasping for the next level of achievement. His need for routine helps him to stay committed to the things that must be done. How many kids do you know that strive to not only never miss a day of school, but also to never be tardy? That's pretty incredible in my opinion (and I don't believe I think so only because I'm biased). He's truly made exactly the way God intended him to be, and when I falter in my thinking of that, it is only because there is something wrong with my thinking, not the way Jordan was made.
So on to the dare portion of the 5th dare. They said to find out what your child's love language is and show them love in that way at some point throughout the day. Well at first I asked my mom to do the assessment herself, since she'd probably be able to assume the answer to most of the questions, how he would respond himself. After a few hours, I found out she was working and hadn't been able to do it yet. So, I text Jordan with the link to the test asking him if he'd be willing to do it, but mentioned that he did not have to do it. He didn't respond so after waiting a few more hours, I asked my mom again to do the assessment, hoping she'd ask him the questions and get his answers directly. That is exactly what she did and his results were a little surprising but mostly made sense. His top love language, he scored an 8, is Words of Affirmation. His secondary love language is Quality Time with a 6, and close behind is Acts of Service with 5. Physical Touch he scored a 0, which wasn't surprising at all. But he only scored a 1 on gifts, which was surprising for me. I had always thought he was a gifts love language, he always seems really happy to receive gifts. My mom wasn't surprised by that at all. I guess I had just always been wrong about that. Which is exactly why I needed him to do the Love Language assessment. I'm so glad I have a better understanding of his love language now. The next part of the dare was to show Jordan love in his own love language sometime during the day. I decided that since most of the dares had already had me exercising his top love language (Words of Affirmation) that I would like to do something in one of the next 2 of his top 3. I came up with a few ideas with the help of my friends pointing out ways that I could enlist my mom as my proxy to help with some things. I asked my mom what her plans were for the rest of the night and didn't see any opportunities with that so I asked what their Sunday plans were. It gave me a couple ideas and I asked her to pick of the things I was thinking of to do in my place and tell Jordan that I had asked her to do it. She must have been busy or didn't have an answer for me because she didn't respond. Today as I was going over the chapter again and writing in the journaling portion, I realized that she had already done it. When she sat down with him to do the assessment, he knew that was for me. She was spending quality time with him as my proxy and it may have even communicated acts of service if he was able to catch on that I was seeking ways to show him love better.
My prayer for Jordan today is this:
Lord, I pray that you will help Jordan to see this exercise as a genuine effort on my part to love him better and grow closer to him in a way that glorifies you. Help Jordan to grow closer in his relationships and show love in other people's love languages as well, as challenging as that may be for him. Be with him today as he gets ready to go back to school after spring break and bless him during his time at the movie with his grandma. Thank you Lord, for his uniqueness and that he isn't like all the other kids his age. Thank you that you gave him such passion for music and a drive to succeed when challenged. All those things that I love about him, I pray You will grow them into something he can better use to glorify you with his days on this earth.
"They are wrapped by divine hands and presented in love. They are the fruit of your life and God's living reward".
Here I am with the children God gave me (Hebrews 2:13).
If any of you are interested in doing the Love Language assessments yourself or having your children do them, just go this link. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
you click "get started" and then select who the assessment is for: yourself or your child.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is too high, I cannot attain to it. (Psalm 139:6)
This dare has taken 2 days to pull off. The chapter started off by talking about each child's unique nature and how God makes everyone individually. "God is always intentional as to why He makes each child the way He does. He desires His power, creativity, and image to be uniquely reflected in each living soul." As I read that, I began to question how that pertains to circumstances like aspergers or other things in this world that alter God's perfect design for people before the fall. Is it that God made that child that way, did he specifically give Jordan these quirks? did he forget to attach a diaphragm when he was knitting Collin together in my womb? Or is it that this world is full of sin and all that comes with it, and that is why we face the things in this world that are not a part of God's perfect design. As I continued reading, the book mentions just that concern. "Even in His allowance of unexpected birth defects. His conclusions are kind (John 9:1-3). His strength is often revealed most vividly through human weakness, cultivating deeper character and compassion in their families." I do see that despite the fact that the human condition is less than perfect, God does allow these things in our lives. He allowed Collin's defect as a means for a greater purpose for us, and we not only accept that, but thank Him for it. He allowed Jordan's brain to age with these quirks and ticks and truly, he's still a masterpiece, perfect in God's eyes and mine, despite what people may think about aspergers, ADHD, or any other disorder that makes someone "different". I was reflecting last night about how amazing Jordan truly is because of some of the challenges he has. His obsessive tendencies have made him incredibly smart and talented. He's excelled in music with playing the flute; The challenge of Tae Kwon Do has kept him continually grasping for the next level of achievement. His need for routine helps him to stay committed to the things that must be done. How many kids do you know that strive to not only never miss a day of school, but also to never be tardy? That's pretty incredible in my opinion (and I don't believe I think so only because I'm biased). He's truly made exactly the way God intended him to be, and when I falter in my thinking of that, it is only because there is something wrong with my thinking, not the way Jordan was made.
Jordan getting his next belt certificate at Tae Kwon Do in November. I think he's since moved forward again too.
So on to the dare portion of the 5th dare. They said to find out what your child's love language is and show them love in that way at some point throughout the day. Well at first I asked my mom to do the assessment herself, since she'd probably be able to assume the answer to most of the questions, how he would respond himself. After a few hours, I found out she was working and hadn't been able to do it yet. So, I text Jordan with the link to the test asking him if he'd be willing to do it, but mentioned that he did not have to do it. He didn't respond so after waiting a few more hours, I asked my mom again to do the assessment, hoping she'd ask him the questions and get his answers directly. That is exactly what she did and his results were a little surprising but mostly made sense. His top love language, he scored an 8, is Words of Affirmation. His secondary love language is Quality Time with a 6, and close behind is Acts of Service with 5. Physical Touch he scored a 0, which wasn't surprising at all. But he only scored a 1 on gifts, which was surprising for me. I had always thought he was a gifts love language, he always seems really happy to receive gifts. My mom wasn't surprised by that at all. I guess I had just always been wrong about that. Which is exactly why I needed him to do the Love Language assessment. I'm so glad I have a better understanding of his love language now. The next part of the dare was to show Jordan love in his own love language sometime during the day. I decided that since most of the dares had already had me exercising his top love language (Words of Affirmation) that I would like to do something in one of the next 2 of his top 3. I came up with a few ideas with the help of my friends pointing out ways that I could enlist my mom as my proxy to help with some things. I asked my mom what her plans were for the rest of the night and didn't see any opportunities with that so I asked what their Sunday plans were. It gave me a couple ideas and I asked her to pick of the things I was thinking of to do in my place and tell Jordan that I had asked her to do it. She must have been busy or didn't have an answer for me because she didn't respond. Today as I was going over the chapter again and writing in the journaling portion, I realized that she had already done it. When she sat down with him to do the assessment, he knew that was for me. She was spending quality time with him as my proxy and it may have even communicated acts of service if he was able to catch on that I was seeking ways to show him love better.
My prayer for Jordan today is this:
Lord, I pray that you will help Jordan to see this exercise as a genuine effort on my part to love him better and grow closer to him in a way that glorifies you. Help Jordan to grow closer in his relationships and show love in other people's love languages as well, as challenging as that may be for him. Be with him today as he gets ready to go back to school after spring break and bless him during his time at the movie with his grandma. Thank you Lord, for his uniqueness and that he isn't like all the other kids his age. Thank you that you gave him such passion for music and a drive to succeed when challenged. All those things that I love about him, I pray You will grow them into something he can better use to glorify you with his days on this earth.
"They are wrapped by divine hands and presented in love. They are the fruit of your life and God's living reward".
Here I am with the children God gave me (Hebrews 2:13).
If any of you are interested in doing the Love Language assessments yourself or having your children do them, just go this link. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
you click "get started" and then select who the assessment is for: yourself or your child.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Parenting dare 4.
Day 4. Love values.
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord. (Psalm 127:3)
I missed yesterday so I did day 4 today. As I was reading through the chapter today, I was thinking about how I have a slightly different view of children Collin's death. Before Collin, I did view children as a burden. I even considered having my parents adopt Jordan because I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to be "free", whatever that means. I wanted to live my life all for myself; party every weekend, every day really; not be financially responsible for kids; go away whenever I wanted. Truth be told, I didn't even really want a husband back then either. I just wanted everything to be about me. When I met Steve, I didn't think of anything beyond the "right now" stage. When I got pregnant with Collin, I wasn't upset and I didn't consider abortion or anything, but I still didn't think about long term. After he died, I do remember feeling guilty, asking if God took him from me because I didn't want him bad enough when I first got pregnant. But one thing did change, my perspective on how valuable children are changed forever once we experienced what it's like to have no control over how long we get to keep them and since surrendering our hearts to God. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm far from the most patient and caring mother. I still get frustrated and even take my children for granted, but I never question what a blessing they are to life. There are times when I get tired of being a mom and need a break, I enjoy a vacation now and then. But I still always see my children as a gift from God. Thankful that we've even been given another chance. Before having Allie, I questioned if I was right to be a mother. Would losing my children one way or another be the end of my motherhood? And now as we wait patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) for God to bless us with a 4th child, I know it's all part of his plan. Jordan is part of that too.
"Love reminds us that children are and have always been priceless, desirable, and a unique treasure. They are our walking, living legacies, each of them bearing untapped potential beyond measure."
Even though I have not raised him, it's not because I don't want him or value him. I love him enough to sacrifice what I want for what is best for him. I value him enough to support what my parents do for him instead of pridefully thinking I could do better. He's not just my gift, a trophy to show for my efforts. He's a gift God gave to many of us. That's what I chose to tell him today for the dare. That he is a gift to us and that I'm so glad God let us have him in our lives. I told him how much I love his music and the new Coldplay song he learned on his flute and that I can't wait to hear the next song he learns.
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord. (Psalm 127:3)
I missed yesterday so I did day 4 today. As I was reading through the chapter today, I was thinking about how I have a slightly different view of children Collin's death. Before Collin, I did view children as a burden. I even considered having my parents adopt Jordan because I wasn't sure I ever wanted to be a mom. I just wanted to be "free", whatever that means. I wanted to live my life all for myself; party every weekend, every day really; not be financially responsible for kids; go away whenever I wanted. Truth be told, I didn't even really want a husband back then either. I just wanted everything to be about me. When I met Steve, I didn't think of anything beyond the "right now" stage. When I got pregnant with Collin, I wasn't upset and I didn't consider abortion or anything, but I still didn't think about long term. After he died, I do remember feeling guilty, asking if God took him from me because I didn't want him bad enough when I first got pregnant. But one thing did change, my perspective on how valuable children are changed forever once we experienced what it's like to have no control over how long we get to keep them and since surrendering our hearts to God. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm far from the most patient and caring mother. I still get frustrated and even take my children for granted, but I never question what a blessing they are to life. There are times when I get tired of being a mom and need a break, I enjoy a vacation now and then. But I still always see my children as a gift from God. Thankful that we've even been given another chance. Before having Allie, I questioned if I was right to be a mother. Would losing my children one way or another be the end of my motherhood? And now as we wait patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) for God to bless us with a 4th child, I know it's all part of his plan. Jordan is part of that too.
"Love reminds us that children are and have always been priceless, desirable, and a unique treasure. They are our walking, living legacies, each of them bearing untapped potential beyond measure."
Even though I have not raised him, it's not because I don't want him or value him. I love him enough to sacrifice what I want for what is best for him. I value him enough to support what my parents do for him instead of pridefully thinking I could do better. He's not just my gift, a trophy to show for my efforts. He's a gift God gave to many of us. That's what I chose to tell him today for the dare. That he is a gift to us and that I'm so glad God let us have him in our lives. I told him how much I love his music and the new Coldplay song he learned on his flute and that I can't wait to hear the next song he learns.
There's only audio, no video but you can tell what song it is, he plays it very well.
Lord, I thank you for Jordan and I ask that you help me value him and appreciate him more. Please continue to grow in him the talent for music that you have given him and help him to desire to glorify you with that talent.
"They are wrapped by divine hands and presented in love. They are the fruit of your life and God's living reward."
Here I am with the children God gave me. (Hebrews 2:13)
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Parenting dare 3.
Day 3. Love is kind.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)
When I began reading today's chapter, I started to get a little nervous. Would this be one of the challenges that I couldn't come up with something to do? Would the distance pose a problem for the first time with the dare challenge so soon? As I continued reading the book pointed out that doing something kind toward your children is not the only way to show them kindness. "Love leads you to look for opportunities to show kindness to your kids. This doesn't mean doing everything for them. Rather, it's the fine balance between loving them well and teaching them to love others. Part of their becoming an effective parent or leader as an adult is in developing the heart of a servant as a youth - the heart they should see in you."
Reading that I was still unsure of what the dare would be and how to do it, but as I read the last paragraph ("As you show and encourage kindness in your children, you are investing in the type of heart God calls us to nurture. It's the Golden Rule....It's the blessing of kindness. And that's the beauty of how true love takes action.") I came up with an idea.
I asked Allie to draw Jordan a picture. I didn't give her any instructions other than that. I wanted to see what she'd come up with. She asked "Does he like cats"? I told her he does (since they have a cat too) and she drew this for him. She asked me how to spell "Jordan" but sounded out "brother"... b-r-u-d-r. Too cute. I sent him a text with the picture and told him that we talk about him all the time and that Allie misses him. Since the dare was to do something kind for him and also have him do something kind for someone else, I called my mom and she agreed to help and have Jordan look for something he can pick out for Allie. This may be more of a challenge for him than for me, but I'm looking forward to seeing what he thinks of, no matter what it is.
My prayer for Jordan today.
Lord, I just want to ask that you pour out your kindness on Jordan this week. I pray that in the action of Allie drawing him a picture, it will spark the desire to be kind to her in his heart. I pray that he will know that we think of him daily and care for him. I thank you Lord, for giving us a desire to have a kind heart because of the kindness you show us. Thank you Jesus!
"Kindness is love in action. It rejects passivity and reaches out. It takes time to listen, then takes steps to help. It never requires the easiest path or simplest method to engage in the lives of others."
Sow with a view to righteousness, reap in accordance with kindness. (Hosea10:12)
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32)
When I began reading today's chapter, I started to get a little nervous. Would this be one of the challenges that I couldn't come up with something to do? Would the distance pose a problem for the first time with the dare challenge so soon? As I continued reading the book pointed out that doing something kind toward your children is not the only way to show them kindness. "Love leads you to look for opportunities to show kindness to your kids. This doesn't mean doing everything for them. Rather, it's the fine balance between loving them well and teaching them to love others. Part of their becoming an effective parent or leader as an adult is in developing the heart of a servant as a youth - the heart they should see in you."
Reading that I was still unsure of what the dare would be and how to do it, but as I read the last paragraph ("As you show and encourage kindness in your children, you are investing in the type of heart God calls us to nurture. It's the Golden Rule....It's the blessing of kindness. And that's the beauty of how true love takes action.") I came up with an idea.
I asked Allie to draw Jordan a picture. I didn't give her any instructions other than that. I wanted to see what she'd come up with. She asked "Does he like cats"? I told her he does (since they have a cat too) and she drew this for him. She asked me how to spell "Jordan" but sounded out "brother"... b-r-u-d-r. Too cute. I sent him a text with the picture and told him that we talk about him all the time and that Allie misses him. Since the dare was to do something kind for him and also have him do something kind for someone else, I called my mom and she agreed to help and have Jordan look for something he can pick out for Allie. This may be more of a challenge for him than for me, but I'm looking forward to seeing what he thinks of, no matter what it is.
My prayer for Jordan today.
Lord, I just want to ask that you pour out your kindness on Jordan this week. I pray that in the action of Allie drawing him a picture, it will spark the desire to be kind to her in his heart. I pray that he will know that we think of him daily and care for him. I thank you Lord, for giving us a desire to have a kind heart because of the kindness you show us. Thank you Jesus!
"Kindness is love in action. It rejects passivity and reaches out. It takes time to listen, then takes steps to help. It never requires the easiest path or simplest method to engage in the lives of others."
Sow with a view to righteousness, reap in accordance with kindness. (Hosea10:12)
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Parenting dare 2.
Day 2. Love is patient.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Today's chapter was all about showing your children love by your patience. "When you truly love someone, two key attributes will show up on a regular basis: patience and kindness. In fact, many other characteristics of love are based upon these two attributes. Patience is how love diffuses something negative; kindness is how love initiates something positive. One takes in a deep breath; the other breathes out life."
It's easy to be patient with someone you don't have to share the hard times with. This isn't really a challenge at all, but an opportunity to pray for his day to day interactions. In some ways it's not fair that I get all the easy parts of Jordan, I don't have to deal with the discipline or when he gets in trouble at school or how to manage his medication. I often forget how important it is to pray for my parents. I thank God often for them, but I rarely pray for them. They would never approach their situation as burdensome, but I know they do face their challenges with him, just as any parent raising an *almost teenager does. So today was an opportunity to pray for Jordan and my parents as well as his teachers and others he interacts with.
Lord, I pray that all of Jordan's interactions today will be done with patience. I pray for my mom and dad, that they can model how love is patient for Jordan. I pray for his teachers, that with the struggles Jordan has in class, they will be patient with him. I pray that Jordan will be patient also, that he will learn what that means by Your word and grow in love this way. In Jesus' name.
"The more patient you are today, the more victories you can celebrate tomorrow."
The farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient. - James 5:7
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)
Today's chapter was all about showing your children love by your patience. "When you truly love someone, two key attributes will show up on a regular basis: patience and kindness. In fact, many other characteristics of love are based upon these two attributes. Patience is how love diffuses something negative; kindness is how love initiates something positive. One takes in a deep breath; the other breathes out life."
It's easy to be patient with someone you don't have to share the hard times with. This isn't really a challenge at all, but an opportunity to pray for his day to day interactions. In some ways it's not fair that I get all the easy parts of Jordan, I don't have to deal with the discipline or when he gets in trouble at school or how to manage his medication. I often forget how important it is to pray for my parents. I thank God often for them, but I rarely pray for them. They would never approach their situation as burdensome, but I know they do face their challenges with him, just as any parent raising an *almost teenager does. So today was an opportunity to pray for Jordan and my parents as well as his teachers and others he interacts with.
Lord, I pray that all of Jordan's interactions today will be done with patience. I pray for my mom and dad, that they can model how love is patient for Jordan. I pray for his teachers, that with the struggles Jordan has in class, they will be patient with him. I pray that Jordan will be patient also, that he will learn what that means by Your word and grow in love this way. In Jesus' name.
"The more patient you are today, the more victories you can celebrate tomorrow."
The farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient. - James 5:7
an older picture of Jordan on his chopper bike at the park. Fun day - patience needed.
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